If Wizards Of The Coast Invented Chess

  • There would be a new version of the rules every seven years. The idea that the rules could stay the same for thousands of years would be, frankly, laughable
  • In the latest rules for chess, Pawns would be renamed Hellspawn Warblades. Similarly, the other pieces would be called Warknights, Warkings, Warqueens, etc
  • There would be no rules for Castles. They existed in previous editions of the rules, but have been strangely absent in recent versions
  • To be able to play chess, you need (at least) the three core Chess rulebooks – the White Player’s Handbook, the Black Player’s Handbook and the Boardmaster’s Guide. These are each 300+ pages, and cost at least $100 in total. In the latest edition, many pages have a single column of text beside a huge image covering the rest of a double spread. This is called good design, not spurious padding
  • The number of chess pieces varies with each edition. Earliest versions of chess was intentionally vague as to the number of pieces per player; later editions set the number at four, then five. The idea of each player being able to handle 16 pieces at a time is viewed as impossible, and is not supported nor endorsed by the rules
  • Wizards would release supplements titled “The Complete Bishop”, “The Complete Queen”, etc. Amazingly, people would buy these
  • The board would be made of stiff cardboard. This would be viewed as a Good Thing
  • The latest edition of the Chess Rules bears strong similarity to a game called World of Checkers. Wizards insists it isn’t, and even if it is, that’s a Good Thing too. This is despite the fact that World of Checkers is, basically, Chess for fucktards anyhow
  • Pawns (sorry, Hellspawn Warblades) are just as powerful as all the other pieces on the board. In fact, all of the pieces are of exactly the same power level. This is called Balance. This is not a Good Thing
  • In the newest rules, Chess pieces can move in any direction on the board
  • Three words: Attacks of Opportunity
  • The only way to get chess pieces is through purchasing random booster packs. Kings and Queens are rare, meaning being able to play a single game is all-but-impossible. Pieces soon appear on eBay for highly inflated prices
  • Wizards will announce a Chess Initiative allowing people to play Chess (get this) online! This will require a paid monthly subscription to be able to participate. People will sign up and pay for this by the thousands

Hey, I’m only saying……… :)

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1 Response

  1. Will says:

    Too fuckin’ funny.

    And, alas, all too true

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